Divorce is a difficult process regardless of the circumstances.  Simply because it is somewhat common today does not make it any easier for teens.  Because adolescence is a time for separation and rebellion, it is normal for them to start detaching from the family and begin expressing some degree of defiance.  They are likely to feel varying degrees of anger, betrayal, and sadness throughout the divorce process.  This article is intended to provide parents with guidelines to help navigate your teen through this challenging experience.

SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS

All kids need healthy boundaries.  This simply means establishing clear expectations and following through on what you expect. You are defining for them what is acceptable and what is not.  For example, respecting the space of those living in the home and not going into another’s bedroom without permission is an example of a boundary.  In a healthy family, people respect the boundaries and if they don’t, they know to expect an appropriate consequence.  Obviously, it is best to begin establishing boundaries in early childhood.  During separation and divorce, it may be tempting to relax the boundaries out of concern for the teen’s welfare.  In fact, this is a time when they desperately need boundaries.  When the rest of their world feels uncertain, the maintenance of clear expectations and consequences is reassuring and familiar.

RECOGNIZE THE STAGES OF GRIEVING THE LOSS

Both you and your teen will experience anger, hurt, sadness, denial and acceptance throughout this process.  It is normal for teens to go back and forth between stages several times before they feel closer to acceptance.  It is crucial that both parents recognize and validate their feelings.  You may want to suggest they journal their feelings if they cannot verbalize them.  Some of the teens I see in my practice journal an ongoing list of “what stinks about the divorce.”  If your teen’s behavior appears excessive or you are unsure if they are handling the divorce, it is always best to seek professional advice.

EXPECT QUESTIONS

It is normal for kids to question their parents’ competence, morals, and parental decisions, especially during a divorce.  Know which issues are appropriate for their ears and which are clearly adult issues.  They may ask very detailed questions about the reasons for the divorce.  It is up to you and your spouse to decide how to answer them honestly but without overloading them with too much adult information. It’s best for kids to hear consistent messages from both parents.  A warning flag should go up when kids are talking about finances, property division, legal issues or details about the divorce.

TAKING SIDES

It is to be expected that teens will tend to side with one parent or the other.  It is likely they will seek an explanation about which parent is telling the truth, who they think is at fault and, if unsure, to decide for themselves. They need to trust you are being honest with them.  Keep your word with them because they need reassurance that you are reliable. Lastly, do not personalize their tendency to take sides or blame one parent or the other as this is a normal part of the process.  Remember that they are kids and that honesty does not require sharing details about adult issues.

DON’T CONFIDE IN YOUR KIDS

It will be tempting to share your personal feelings about your spouse with your teen.  This is a very painful time for any parent and teens can be surprisingly supportive and mature.  Do not be lured into thinking you can confide in them, even if they tell you they like being there for you.  They may feel they provide a helpful and important role as your confidant.  It only serves to confuse them when you switch back to parenting and are no longer treating them as an equal. Furthermore, it feels very confusing for the teen to determine where their loyalty lies when they get detailed information about one or both parents.  They can be loyal to both parents -- and each parent should support this. It is your responsibility as the adult to confide in a friend or a professional.

SUPPORT THE OTHER PARENT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

This may seem like an obvious statement and it is essential to the teen, but can be difficult to do.  In an ideal divorce, parents put the teen’s best interest first.  This means working together collaboratively to continue to parent them with continuity whenever possible.  It makes your relationship with your soon to be ‘ex’ much less conflicted as well. I have had many teens tell me they are amazed how much better their parents get along and parent after the divorce.  Remember that the divorce is between the parents, not between the parent and child.  Parents who are unable to talk to each other reasonably can use email to communicate.  Don't use the teen as the middleman to pass information back and forth between the parents.

AVOID ALLOWING KIDS TO PARENT

Again, this may seem simplistic and obvious.  However, there are many divorced families where one or more kids take on the role of the absent parent.  It is a somewhat predictable response by the teen to fill the void left by the absent parent by behaving much as the parent did.  It is not appropriate for a teenage girl to cook and clean for her father or become his confidant, or for a fourteen year old boy to become a substitute father in the home.  Do not put them in a position to parent the younger children; it again promotes confusion and anger.  

BE FLEXIBLE ABOUT VISITATION

Adolescence is time of increasing socialization.  Their friends are extremely important to them, especially during the divorce process.  It is not unusual for them to want friends along on their weekend with you (or part of it), and it should be given fair consideration.  While you want time with your teen, they also deserve time with their friends.  Support their involvement in activities, parties, sports, dances, etc., even when these events occur during your visitation time.

BE HONEST ABOUT FINANCIAL CHANGES

In most divorces, there will be a lifestyle change as parents separate and realize their finances no longer allow them to remain in the same house, neighborhood or school.  Additionally, there is usually less money for incidentals (trips to the mall, restaurants, movies, concerts, vacations, etc.). This is not to suggest they will be eliminated completely, but the frequency often times changes.  This will be yet another source of  loss and grief for your teen.  Be kind and honest in explaining the financial changes they can expect and validate their feelings. After all, they did not ask for this. Don’t blame the other parent or overwhelm kids with details about your finances – they can’t do anything to change this.

NOTIFY THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR

This is a decision to talk with the other parent about prior to doing.  Ideally, he or she will be on the same page regarding what is in your teen’s best interest.  The benefits to having school staff involved include their ability to intervene if the teen starts struggling, to monitor their grades and behavior in school, to talk with the staff your teen interacts with (with your permission) and to provide both parents with feedback about their school performance.  Given how many hours your teen spends in school, it is worth considering.  Additional support is a good thing.

REASSURE THEM THE DIVORCE IS NOT THEIR FAULT

Most teens question if it was their bad behavior, grades, etc., that caused the divorce.  All kids need reassurance that they are not the reason for the divorce. Don’t bad mouth the other parent in front of the kids.  This can cause the teen to feel responsible for the other parent’s behavior and feel very guilty if they can’t get the parent to change. In effort to keep them out of your battles (and feel further responsibility), do not argue in their presence or ask them information about the other parent.  Keep divorce issues between adults only.

MAINTAIN FAMILY TIME

Although the family traditions and rituals may change, try to keep them as similar as possible.  Teens crave consistency and losing Christmas Eve traditions or parents attending their events can have devastating consequences.  If they are ready, propose adding some new traditions after the separation and ask about what they would like to help ease the process.