We've all read about children who are victimized by bullies and harassed at school. We have also been bombarded by school violence in the media. But what about the child who is acting out by bullying? What do you do as a parent if this is your child?

With school starting, this is a great opportunity to educate yourself on this topic. As a therapist with over twenty years of experience, I can offer ideas and ways to deal with this issue.

1. Intervene early

This cannot be stated strongly enough. When you notice your toddler engaging in overly aggressive or bullying behavior, you need to intervene. Keep in mind that all toddlers are aggressive at times, as they do not have the verbal skills to tell you what they're thinking. However, you can use these moments to teach them how to handle their frustrations better, even at that young age.

Respond simply: "No. It hurts when you hit/bite/kick." Remove the child from the situation to distract them and consistently reinforce that aggression is unacceptable. Be mindful of your own behavior -- yelling, threatening, cursing and any form of physical punishment are messages to your children that bullying works. If you need to, talk to someone you trust or to a professional about getting your own anger under control. Also, don't forget to remind them when they play well. Again, a simple "Its good to see you sharing, nice job" is adequate. Prevention will go a long way when dealing with bullying.

2. Don't overreact and don't underreact

This may seem confusing and vague, so let me explain. An overreaction is when your punishment is too severe for the behavior. For example, your 12 year old takes her sister's shirt without asking permission. A reasonable consequence would be to let her sister choose something of hers to wear for the day, do chores for her sister for a day, or lose a privilege for the day. Notice that the consequence is brief, appropriate and related to the behavior.

Parents sometimes pick random consequences that make no sense to the child and leave the child frustrated, resentful, and worse, they completely miss the point of the consequence! The idea is for the child to realize how the behavior impacted someone else and hopefully think twice before doing it again.

An overreaction to the same situation would be to take the ipod, TV and computer for a week. With this choice, you will have a child whining, begging, demanding and sneaking for an entire week. Further, it is your responsibility to monitor this consequence and this will become very difficult unless you have a completely open schedule and nothing else to do. You will likely become frustrated and give in to the whining, thereby cutting short the consequence. THIS SENDS A VERY DANGEROUS MESSAGE --THAT YOU CAN BE MANIPULATED! It is far better to give a brief consequence and stick to it.

Most importantly, if it goes too long, the child loses the message regarding why they have the consequence at all. Any type of physical or threatening punishment is also an overreaction. This teaches your child that a) you can bully them, b) they should be afraid of you, and c) when they get bigger they can bully you or they can bully smaller, weaker kids. This is what we are trying to prevent.

An underreaction would be to simply admonish her, make her apologize to her sister, or do nothing. This is the easiest solution, but not the best. By doing little or nothing, you are teaching your children a) you are not in control of the family, they are, b) you can be easily manipulated and are not to be taken seriously, c) they are too much work and it's easier to ignore them, and d) you are not capable of setting and following through with a consequence.

If determining the "right" consequence seems confusing, call a parent you trust, a pediatrician, seek out parenting literature or go to a couple of counseling sessions to get ideas appropriate for the ages of your child.  If your child seems extreme in his/her behavior or does not respond to appropriate consequences, it is best to seek a professional assessment.

3. Role model what you want to see in your kids

This is another obvious statement but an often ignored one. Many parents I see in my practice are unaware of the impact that they have on their children. Simple things like phone conversations, comments about celebrities or family members, how parents talk to each other, and especially how they talk to their children all convey messages about how to treat people.

Everyday we are role modeling to our children what we expect from them and how to treat people. Pay attention to what you say when a driver cuts you off, a clerk is slow waiting on you, and anytime you find yourself putting someone down verbally. You are essentially giving your child permission to do the same to others. As crazy as this may seem, this is how bullying begins.

All the children I have seen in my practice who struggle with bullying have this in common:

They feel entitled to put others down, to tease and to take without permission. They do not only learn this only from parents; children will do what they see in their environment at home, school, in the media and in their peer groups.

4. Be aware of what your child is exposed to

Although we cannot control the media, we CAN control what we allow our children to see. This includes TV, video games, internet access, game system games, DVDs, movies, commercials, magazines, and the countless bombardment of images our children have access to everyday. There is an abundance of research to support the reality that exposure to violence and bullying increases the likelihood our children will engage in this behavior at some point.

We cannot prevent them from seeing everything, but we can LIMIT and set clear guidelines about what is acceptable. If you know when your son plays at a certain boy's house he plays adult video games, have them play at your house. Talk to your kids about why you made the decision you did and ask for his/her input. Remember, you are still the adult and you still have the final say.

5. Talk to your kids about their day

This may seem like another no-brainer, but again, it is a frequent complaint from the kids I see in my practice. From preschool forward, make it a point to find out how their day went. What went wrong and what went right? Don't ask as soon as they get home, as they usually want a break from school and an opportunity to wind down. Find a calm, quiet time to ask, such as when riding in the car. This is when you are likely to learn they are being teased or feeling isolated from peers, two main reasons kids end up bullying.

Focus on feelings. Become comfortable asking your child "That sounds frustrating, what was that like for you?"  Most kids who bully describe feeling isolated, ignored or teased repeatedly at school and eventually choose to lash out. If this is happening, find out more. (Other feeling words should be used in place of 'frustrating' based on the situation.)

Above all, LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD. They may not want solutions or suggestions, so ask what they want you to do. If they do not know, don't drop the issue. Call the school, talk with teachers and staff who interact with your child. Find out what can be done to make school a better experience. Do they need a break from a certain child? Should playground time be monitored more closely? Should your child be switched to a different classroom? There are many options, but the earlier the intervention, the better.

6. Know when to seek professional help

This can be a difficult decision to make. If the school recommends it, you should follow through. It is often the case that the parent has known for some time the child needs help. It is possible your child does not need therapy, but you won't know until he/she is assessed. At the very least, your child will be given the opportunity to safely talk about his/her feelings and learn better coping skills. The family may also need to seek help to learn to adjust their anger or parenting styles.

I hope the suggestions addressed here are helpful. In working with kids who bully, it is usually the case that they feel mistreated, unhappy and isolated from others. As a parent, it is your responsibility to help them get past that, whatever it takes.